Why do we want people who don't want us?
Is it because there is something wrong inside of us?
A sisStar of mines recently asked me this question. My immediate answer was yes. As hard as it is to admit, the truth in who we attract to us is that we attract them to us because they are mirrors of us. I inner-stand this to be true because I had to go through a process of self-evaluation through experiencing years of hurt from dysfunctional romantic relationships.
I lost my virginity at 16 to a guy that ended up getting another girl pregnant. I ended up dating my best friend; a girl, to get back at my ex and to explore my bi-sexuality, only for it to blow up in my face later.
I got married at 18 to a dude that I had just met online and knew for only two months.
I ended up going back to my first, and remained on and off with him for years.
I got into another relationship with my ex girlfriends ex boyfriend, and experienced a plethora of almost life altering events. Then, I had some spiritual experiences with some past life partners that I had to release and learn from.
The night that I wrote "Dear Old Self", I was beyond upset. I had just spent time with the past life lover, and him and I had gotten into an argument. He wouldn't listen to anything that I was saying, and he kept talking over me, and blaming me for things that I didn't even do. I had gotten fed up and left his apartment. I didn't know what to do. I began to feel so low, and so burdened with everything. I looked up to the heavens and begged the universe to send me peace and help me to release because I literally was about to lose my mind. Then, I was reminded of how important writing is to me. So that's what I did. I sat outside of his place, as I waited for my lyft, and I just bled my soul onto that paper. As I bled, everything that I had ever held on to came out. I was angry, I was depressed, I was confused, all at once. How could someone I love, and who says they love me , treat me like this? I kept writing and lashing out at him. Then, I began lashing out at my exes. Then, I lashed out at myself.
I had done all of this to myself.
I had put myself into these dysfunctional relationships because I didn't love myself enough to gift myself with anything better. These lovers were all reflections of the issues I had inside of me. That's why they kept coming back.
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These experiences have helped me to overcome a lot of inner struggles. I am now able to see that no one is perfect, not even me. These relationships have taught me how value I am as a woman and growing child of the universe. I understand that I have to love myself first before loving anyone else, and that requires patience, fearlessness, and honesty. I can not blame everyone else for my problems. I have to take responsibility for not using my power as I know I should.
These lessons have also taught me that things can always be worse. I could have ended up more hurt, but because I woke up and realized my worth and acted on it during the times that I did, I was able to save myself.
"My glow up happened when I saved myself from death, the loss of myself and the thought of losing myself to death. Only I knew the truth in what I knew, and I savored that, cultivated it, and that's how I grew."
As much as pain is painful, tireless, heartbreaking, breathtaking, and almost life-taking for some, its the only way to live your truths. I encourage you to understand your pain, over-stand your pain, inner-stand you pain and release it, heal yourself and realize that its the pain that will allow you to live up to your true capabilities and glow in all that you are.
- India Marie