The gag is people aren't obligated to reciprocate energy. It would be nice if they did. But quite frankly everyone isn't you so just because you wouldn't do it, you gotta stop thinking that they wouldn't do it to you. Everybody just not built like us.
We all (or most of us) have those few people in our lives that come to mind when someone says, "Oh I know she/he would NEVER". Then you have that one friend or associate that challenges you saying, "Are you sure about that?" and you rebuttal with, 'oh I'm positive' just to get hit with the:
'I told you so'....
weeks, months, or even years later. You never seen it coming. Quite frankly you still don't even believe that it's your life, that it happened to you. But guess what? It did and be thankful it did.
I have always been that person to look at friendships and relationships through rose colored lenses. I have a way of seeing in others what they may not even see in themselves, and ignoring the red flags and sometimes this can make me blind.
Blind to seeing the ugly side of them.
Blind to believing that even though they did it to them, 'oh I just know they wouldn't do it to me'.
Blind to their 'true' colors.
Blind to how they treat other people, because I mean 'I never seen that side of them'.
Time and time again, people have shown me their ass and yet, I end up repeating the same cycles because even though that person treated me like shit it doesn't mean the next person will. Right? Wrong. Ironically, as a person that generally has their guard up I still go through this. Because the moment I see the vulnerable side of you, ain't no way there isn't an unbreakable bond there. As someone that has a hard time being vulnerable I know how challenging it can be to expose yourself. But once that barrier has been barricaded you suspect that a safe space is on the other side and why wouldn't that feeling be mutual. And there is nothing a black woman cherishes more than a safe space.
But there comes a time in every pushover's life (yeah I said it, you're a pushover) that you have to stand firm. The unfortunate thing is that we oftentimes don't gain that strength until we have been fucked over like no other. I'm talking about the betrayal that you couldn't see coming if Jesus himself knocked on your door and delivered the warning to you directly. Like, Nooooo not Felicia! Not Tyrone! Until Tyrone and Felicia do the unthinkable, and even then you don't wanna believe it. The universe has a funny way of interfering when you just refuse to get the picture, even when it's plastered right in front of your face.
That's where I'm at, or was for that matter because fortunately for me I've already realized the upside of this betrayal. The thing about being fucked over by the people you least expect it from, is that it forces you to do some serious reflecting on the relationship. The strengths. The weaknesses. The pros. The cons. The upside. The downside. The good, the bad and the ugly. It forces you to do some sitting still and thinking. Some meditating, maybe even crying, journaling and constantly asking yourself why me until you realize the real question you should be asking is, why not you.
See the thing is, I needed to get fucked over to realize I was the reason I kept getting fucked over.
I needed to be betrayed to realize I didn't put myself first even when I thought I was.
I needed to be betrayed to realize I was a pushover.
I needed to be betrayed to realize I never set boundaries, and even when I did people could easily surpass them.
I needed to be betrayed to realize I had spent more time pouring into others than into myself.
I needed to be betrayed to realize who the fuck I was. Who the fuck I am!
I needed to be betrayed to realize that I was nothing more than their trophy so once they leveled up they no longer needed me.
I needed to be betrayed to realize people 'possessed' me but the relationship wasn't mutual because I didn't possess them.
I needed to be betrayed to learn the lesson I was supposed to learn 3 friendships ago and 4 'relationships' ago.
I needed to be betrayed to realize that no matter how much I changed my skincare routine my skin wasn't clearing up because I was surrounded by toxicity.
I need to be betrayed to realize that when people say energy is transferrable they didn't lie because misery loves company.
I needed to be betrayed to realize that I was going to keep getting betrayed until I realized why it was so easy to betray me.
I needed to be betrayed to bloom into the woman that I will become after I have truly healed.
I needed to be betrayed to receive the abundance that was destined for me but I couldn't get it yet because I was surrounded by people that didn't deserve to benefit from my glow up.
I needed to be betrayed to realize the only friends I needed, I had and were the one's I rarely talked to but were always there when I needed them.
I needed to be betrayed to realize the reason none of my relationships worked because I focused more on their betterment than my own.
I needed to be betrayed to receive the love and partner I have always deserved but hadn't come to me yet because I wasn't 'ready'.
You see everything happens for a reason, a season or simply a lesson. Honestly, the most unfortunate part of the entire ordeal is accepting the fact that I needed to fall in love and feel like he was my soul mate to actually learn the lesson I was intended to learn. I needed to feel like this person was my best friend, my sister, my confidant, my partner to learn the lessons I was to hard headed to learn.
Now I can become the woman I was always meant to be, because the only way to do it right is to get it wrong. Sometimes time and time again. So the next time you get that hunch, that feeling, that insight, that download, that friend that says 'somethings not right about such or such', or your mom says 'I got a bad feeling about such and such', all Imma say is believe them the first time. Because first of all mama be knowing and secondly deep down you agree with them you just didn't want to believe it, because I mean I treat people A1 so why wouldn't they treat me A1.
The answer to that is simple: Because you've been allowing them to treat you like a rebound so why wouldn't you stay benched.
- Dee