"The early bird catches the worm". This phrase runs through my brain as I begin to plot out my plan for today. Of course, I've just been up in my head. Rerunning words that have been said to me throughout the week. Rerunning through words I've wanted to say. That last sentence probably has nothing to do with anything. It probably has nothing to do with this article either but these are examples of random thoughts that go through my brain.
A lot of people say, I'm crazy and I think I really am insane. I think it's because I just go against the grain. Sometimes I like to talk in complete sentences. Sometimes I like to speak in terms of phrases.
Anyway… This article is a peak into my personal journey to self healing.
I missed #WorldMentalHealthDay, but that's everyday. Everyday is a mental health day. I read Dee's article and it inspired me. It inspired me to continue to be me when I feel everything but myself nowadays. Even when I'm always smiling, I'm really hiding a lot of pain.
I feel lost!
I feel confused!
I feel left out!
I feel used!
I miss my family but I can't talk to them, the way I would like to. Things can't be how they used to be. I feel angry- you can probably tell by my random rants of rage if you follow me on social media. I would apologize for them but forget it, it is what it is. The list goes on and on.
I was “diagnosed” with anxiety and depression at the age of 16. Then, I was diagnosed with bipolar at 18. I put diagnosed in quotations because I have different views on mental health and how it affects me- how it affects us, being that I am very spiritual. That's to be shared in another article… My spirituality.
There are deeper layers to the answers we try to find and the pain we hide. Whichever way you view it, it doesn't matter because everything goes back to this:
Being disconnected from Self. Dee really hit home for me, and I could feel all of her energy poured into her writing. The things that we go through are real. And it really becomes a burden and builds up when you don't know the best ways to heal. For years, I didn't know. No one showed me how to live my life. No one showed me how to take care of me. I never knew that everything would be alright. I grew up with blinded sight. Being the way I was raised, results in who I am now. But now I'm strong.
I guess I've been doing something right because I moved out on my own and have been living life on my own since I got diagnosed. I've been so depressed and distracted by my pain, and I'm just now coming to terms with this. People may or may not know this about me. But it's most definitely been a journey. I've most definitely been on a journey.
It's been hard...
It's been fun.
But it's been a roller-coaster as well.
I had to take a chance for my self-care. I had to let go of my family, my 'lovers'. I lost friends. I had to step away from the church. I had to even step away from commitments, organizations, and jobs I was involved in. I had to strip myself down to the bare minimum to find myself and it came with the price of sleepless nights, and so many tears. That's how it is when you take a chance. When you take a risk. Get ready for the ride. I think that's a cornerstone for redeveloping and taking care of your mind. You really just want to actually make sure you are living your most authentic, "best life". This entails intimacy and connecting to your soul on a deeper level.
I suffer in silence all of the time because that's what I'm used to. Which I believe many black women are. I'm used to living my double life. I can go home and be suicidal as fuck some days and then look at you, like everything is fine. I can solve your problems like everything is alright. But what about mines. I neglect mines. But I'm coming to learn how to not do that anymore.
I'm coming to learn how to explore more of what life has to offer for me and here's why:
I've been through a lot and I've made it. Damn. Like it took a lot in me to even say that because I never give myself any credit. What seems like losses to me and fuck ups to everyone else, have been wins! I bet everyone asks and wonders how I'm doing and I'm at the point where I'm absolutely fine. I have my days, but I'm okay because I'm learning that no one has or will look out for me like me. I've done great things, and I have a lot to be grateful and proud of. I stood up for myself and my mental health by letting go of old habits and people in my life. I've remained a shoulder to others in my crisis. I've broken out of my shell more. I've dared to look and heal my past for answers to my self-identity crisis. I'm still laughing. I'm still smiling. I've made new memories. Life is getting better, slowly but surely. Because I am finally giving myself a chance.
